why English?

To honour my story and our becoming

Why am I writing mainly in English at the moment, when my mother tongue is French, from Quebec, Canada? When I am totally aware that the quality of my writing is so much better in French than in English?

Because, for whatever reason my father had in mind, I was sent to an English kindergarten and it is still to this day, my best school year ever. Despite the fact that on my first day, my teacher told me that it was the last time she would speak to me in French, that I should look around to the other kids to figure out what I was suppose to do. My memories of that year are filled with silence, a silence that was allowing me great freedom of inner space; and light, a white bright light flooding  the huge windows of our classroom.

Because speaking English was, for a while, a successful strategy for me to avoid going into dissociation, from zooming out when facing some earlier traumas, giving me the distance I needed to approach them, and to keep engaging in what has become a very long, challenging, transforming, amazing compassionately healing process.

Because for the last 15 years, the resources of my growth in perspectives were mostly in English, which doesn’t mean that I don’t have an enormous debt to my French roots.

And because when I write in English, the absence of cultural, national references, my ignorance of so many grammar’s subtleties and words, make me acutely aware of my limits, even though I am learning and progressing on a daily base. As a result of the recognition of those limits, of the fact that I will never completely master, once and for all, a language, or life, it has created a certain type of quietness within. A certain type of spaciousness that enables me to observe, play with, integrate and evolve through the process. That enables me to better listen, hear, see all those I know so little about. That enables me to sincerely realize that I know what I know; I know what I don’t know; and I don’t know that I don’t know; which make a huge difference now on how I relate, interact and care for people, all sentient beings, the planet included and Life.

And because finally, I am so grateful that speaking English had allowed me to be part of a larger conversation, with my partners in crime – friends, peers, mentors, from all gender, race, class, religion, age, disability – and bring to the table the amazing beauty and richness of my own story and culture as a contribution to the bio-diversity of our consciousness.