In short, very short terms, there is two main threads to my story
The more recent thread has mature through the fight, the acceptation and the long healing journey that encompasses more than 25 years of dealing with two chronic diseases.
The first one, diagnosed in 1995, is fibromyalgia – or chronic pain. I developed it after a baseball bat blow to my head when I was around 6, watching friends playing in our backyard. At the time it was not even taken into consideration, but in the long term, because my left frontal and temporal lobes were lightly smashed, my whole structure was put under tremendous pressure. From head to toes, especially on the left side of my body, knots were formed, nerves pinched, creating unbearable shoulder pain, constant headaches, untreatable sciatica, knee problems, followed by the loss of any restorative sleep. Which ended up creating chronic depression.
The second one, diagnosed around 1998, is multiple-toxin-sensitivity, an environmental disease of hypersensitivity to chemicals. In my case, the chemicals being mostly medications, but also smog, fume from cigarettes, perfume, paint, varnish or newspaper’s ink. Since it was not diagnose from the beginning, slowly but surely, my immune system started collapsing to the point where, for four years, I had to wear a medical mask when I was leaving my house, otherwise I would catch all sorts of infections.
The second thread is an everlasting longing for something bigger than the tiny container that is my body, something bigger than the very narrow perceptions most of us have about life. Something where love, in its diversity – care, compassion, inclusion, respect, gratitude, lovingkindness … – balanced with wisdom and skillful means, is perceived and experienced as an ever evolving basic trait of Life. Our becoming.
This longing had taken root in my psyche years ago, when I was around 8 years old. I was playing with clay when, in a matter of no time, I was filled with Grace. It was so powerful that even now, 50 years later, its imprint is still very palpable in my being.
A presence that has constantly nourished me, enriched me, kept me alive. Because without It, there is not doubt in my mind, I wouldn’t have been able to come out of my ordeal. There was much too much pain, for me to survive : the 2 diseases, and the dysfunction, the losses and the heartbreaks that came with it. Aside with the nightmarish ways we treat one another, and the planet.