This site is dedicated to “Togetherness, Taking Care, Healing & Trauma”. It is not so much about my story, as much as the teachings, practices that I have learned and earned, through many encounters. Up to now. Teachings and practices that have transformed my whole life, from head to toe, literally as you will see as each chronicle unravels. A process that made me realized how much I was living in a separate head space, opposing this to that, instead of a collaborative one, and experiencing this as complementary to that, as enriching that, as bringing light in that.
More precisely, this version of my site, which had many versions prior to this one, was inspired by me becoming a grandmother. As I was starting visiting my first granddaughter, introducing myself, and listening to her efforts to translate the essence of her being as she was encapsulated in the body of a baby, one of many, many questions started to catch my attention : What kind of grandmother was I wishing to become?
For sure, one who tries to make sense, to walk her talk, to keep resisting everything that goes against the Loving, the Vibrant, the Graceful.
One who believes, and has learned the harsh way, that Taking Care, Cherishing are as important, to thrive on this planet, as productivity and competition. And the same with silence versus exposing it all; contemplating versus keeping oneself bussssy.
One who makes all this come to life, by honoring my story, my abilities, my gender, and everything that was offered to me in this journey; by becoming more and more inclusive and loving toward everyone and everything; by serving What’s bigger than me and being grateful for All there is.
One of my partners in this adventure is my grand-daughter. I call her Joy, since from the news of her gestation, this was the energy she feed me with. A Joy that was rejuvenating and shaking me from the stagnating state I was in. A kick in the ass that made me engage in physical training to make sure that I would be able to hold her in my harms; in creative writing so I could write her the stories that are dear to my heart; in more effective healing and transformative training so I could walk my talk, with her, and everyone else.
Another of my partners is Alice in Waterland, a prominent among my multiple personas on my healing path. Few years ago, whenever I was stuck in my head, unable to make decisions from my center, I learn to pay attention to this Alice, since she was what I needed to come out of the state of dysfunction that I was living in. She was gutsy when I was all wishy washy about everything and anything. She was straight forward when I was painfully trying to avoid my truth. And she was openly and feverishly curious, adventurous when I was endlessly balancing the pros and cons of situations to some obnoxious extent. She was me in my dreams.
In short, very short terms, there is two main threads to my story
The more recent thread has mature through the fight, the acceptation and the long healing journey that encompasses more than 25 years of dealing with two chronic diseases.
The first one, diagnosed in 1995, is fibromyalgia – or chronic pain. I developed it after a baseball bat blow to my head when I was around 6, watching friends playing in our backyard. At the time it was not even taken into consideration, but in the long term, because my left frontal and temporal lobes were lightly smashed, my whole structure was put under tremendous pressure. From head to toes, especially on the left side of my body, knots were formed, nerves pinched, creating unbearable shoulder pain, constant headaches, unending sciatica, knee problems, followed by the loss of any restorative sleep. Which ended up creating chronic depression.
The second one, diagnosed around 1998, is multiple-chemical-sensitivity, an environmental disease of hypersensitivity to chemicals. In my case, the chemicals being mostly medications, but also smog, fume from cigarettes, perfume, paint, varnish or newspaper’s ink. Since it was not diagnose from the beginning, slowly but surely, my immune system started collapsing to the point where, for four years, I had to wear a medical mask when I was leaving my house, otherwise I would catch all sorts of infections.
The second thread is an everlasting longing for something bigger than the tiny container that is my body, something bigger than the very narrow perceptions most of us have about life. Something where love, in its diversity – care, compassion, inclusion, respect, gratitude, lovingkindness … – balanced with wisdom and skillful means, is perceived and experienced as an ever evolving basic trait of Life. Our becoming.
This longing had taken root in my psyche years ago, when I was around 8 years old. I was playing with clay when, in a matter of no time, I was filled with Grace. It was so powerful that even now, 50 years later, its imprint is still very palpable in my being.
A presence that has constantly nourished me, enriched me, kept me alive. Because without It, there is not doubt in my mind, I wouldn’t have been able to come out of my ordeal. There was much too much pain, for me to survive : the 2 diseases, and the dysfunction, the losses and the heartbreaks that came with it. Aside with the nightmarish ways we treat one another, and the planet.