It has been said about me
that I had no ambition
that I would find any excuse
to not become involved
in the hard task of kicking my ass
like anyone else
to earn my living
It is true that
at an early age
there had been a moment
in fact, many moments
that led me to the decision
that I would not become an actress
when that was the only thing
I could imagine myself doing
and was already doing
But who knows how and why
behind all that
there was this other drive
for me not to pursue a carrier
beside my 2 chronic diseases
I already knew what it was like to live
from the I without the We
perspective of the separated mind
It took me years to figure it out though
and to name it
I had to be at the two digits age
of a hand beside the infinite standing up
as a friend showed me
It took me years of practicing silence
to engage in many mind-body modalities
and devouring intersectional studies
to hear the perspective
of my heart singing
the longing of my soul
which was embodied
into a woman
flesh, beliefs, lineage and stories
It took those years
to realize that
the rare occasions
I felt alive were
when I was dancing, crying,
cheating, creating, cleaning
meditating, anguishing, taking care
praying, struggling, channeling the We
To realize
that I was
and still don’t
feel whole
without this
∞ ∞ ∞
This poem emerged as I was listening to Communal Pondering in a Noisy World with Marilyn Nelson at On Being.
mari.e cornellier 